Ye old universal tears
by EtherealGrace
Summary: The Normandy hits a blast of energy that leaves Garrus as a human! May have some FemShep/Garry later on, I really don't know yet. But most likely. -EDIT- This P.O.S. is currently being re-written! Please, for the sake of your eyes, don't read this until it's been fixed! D:
1. Garrus got humaned

It was all an accident really. See, Garry had just been going down to welcome Tali aboard, and she went to get a bottle of Dextro DNA wine for them to celebrate (Tali and Garrus had been close friends) and some environmental pills. Tali happened to be gone. Everyone else happened to be gone. Garrus happened to be standing at the AI core. That's when they hit _it._

It was a surge on energy, right by a Mass Effect relay. They were going to the Citadel, as they usually did. But this time, something weird happened. Tess Shepard was just up in her quarters brushing through her inky black hair, trying to get it to stay out of her eyes when Joker called her. "Hey Commander, Tali said something weird is going on down in engineering. Wanna go check it out?" Shepard sighed. Could she not have one day of peace? "On my way," she responded.

When she got to Tali's post, she saw something she didn't expect; there was a shattered bottle on the ground surrounded by liquid, a few pills scattered about it. There were also shattered pieces of blue something lying about in disarray. Tali stood by the AI core with her gun drawn. But what really got Shepard was what she was pointing at. It was a pale human with glossy black hair that dipped into his eyes and reached his shoulders, partially covering scars on the left side of his face. They ran all the way down to his hip, which she could see because he wore nothing but black boxers.

"Tali, who's this" Shepard asked her. "I don't know. All I know is that he's not part of the crew, and that I can't find Garrus!" she said. "Garrus? He's upstairs, calibrating the guns." "No, he came down here to welcome me aboard. I left a few minutes ago to get some wine and when I got back, no Garrus. Only this guy!" Shepard looked him over. He had no weapons, didn't look very fierce, and there was nothing about him that looked like he could harm Garrus. The man stirred and opened his eyes. They were blue. "Shepard, what's going on here? Why is Tali pointing a gun at me?" the man seemed dazed. "Alright pal, who are you and what have you done with Garrus?" Shepard asked him.

"Shepard, what kind of joke is this? _I'm_ Garrus," the man said. "Yeah right! Garrus is turian!" she scoffed. "But I _am _turian!" he insisted. Shepard gave him a skeptical look. "You have a few loose screws or something pal?" she asked him. "What do you mean?" he questioned. "Just look at yourself!" she cried. Slowly, the man slid his eyes down his body, his eyes widening. Jack came bursting in. By now, pretty much everybody on this level had gathered to see what was going on.

"Alright, what the fuck is going on up here, and why does it have to be so damn loud!" Jack demanded. Then, looking over the raven haired man, she asked Shepard "Hey, Shepard, who's the new boyfriend?" Shepard blushed a deep red. "WH-what! He is _**NOT**_ my boyfriend! I don't even know him!" Shepard shouted. "Actually Shepard, you've know me for about two and a half years now," the man inserted. His voice did sound very familiar… "Well, it's your loss. He's pretty chip." Jack said.

"Shepard…" he said pleadingly. "Alright then, if you're really Garrus, tell me something only he would, say something that only he would say." By now, Shepard's entire team had arrived in the room. Leaning against the rail behind him casually, he said one word; "Calibrations." "Okay, that's him. But how…?" Shepard asked. Garrus shrugged.

"Beats me." Shepard eyed him. "Well I do know one thing for sure," she said "we're gonna need to get you some clothes." Garrus looked himself over again. "Aw, and here I thought I was chip. Jack seemed to think so anyways" he said sarcastically. Shepard rolled her eyes. "C'mon smooth guy." She said as she yanked him along into the elevator. Garrus grinned. "What, don't you think so?" he asked her with hurt eyes. She smirked and punched his shoulder. Then they were off to harass Jacob for a spare uniform.

_That's the first chapter. Tell me what you think! I love to get reviews, and I don't mind being told where I went wrong. Helps me improve :) Anyways, I'll be uploading again soon. Sincerely yours~ EtherealGrace_


	2. Shopping & Human fingers

_**Hello my awesome viewers! I am here to plug you into another chapter of time-wasting-nonsense! Enjoy! **_

Garrus' fingers slipped as he pressed the interface of the calibrating system. _**AGAIN!**_ Human fingers were obviously NOT meant for calibrating. Garrus first noticed this when he had been sent back down to his post to resume his job. It was much harder now, for in two places where he used to have one finger, he now had two, so whenever he went to hit a button he would accidently hit the buttons on either side of it. It was so frustrating!

Finally, right when he thought he was going to lose it, Shepard came walking through the door. She eyed his annoyed expression with vague amusement. "Shepard. Need me for something?" Garrus asked. "Have you got a minuet?" she asked. "Spirits yes! How do you humans manage with all these, these, _**fingers?**_ It's so _**frustrating!**_" Shepard bit her lip to restrain obvious laughter at the former-turian's apparent annoyance with his current problem.

"Gee, I don't know Garrus. It really is a miserable existence, having five fingers per hand. I really have no idea _how_ we can stand it," Shepard said sarcastically. Garrus rolled his eyes. "Whatever Shepard. I'm pretty sure that you didn't come down here just to make sarcastic remarks." "You're right, I didn't. I came down here to tell you that we've just arrived at the Citadel. I thought that you might wanna get out of the Cerberus uniform," she said. "Yeah, definitely," he said.

0o0

"What about this one, Garrus?" Shepard asked her friend as she held up another outfit. "Hmm, I don't know. I mean, it's not really me." Shepard pounded her head into the wall of the store. "Will you pick something!" she screamed. Garrus doubled over laughing at his Commander's outrage. "We've been here for an hour Garrus!" she yelled as she threw the clothes she had in her hand at him. "Sorry Commander," he said, still laughing. "Here, I think I found some," he said as he held up a pair of jeans, a crimson tee and a black hoodie. Shepard cocked her head. "Yeah, I think those are good." She said. They chose out some more similar pants and tees and another jacket. After paying for it, (and after Garrus put on more appropriate clothes) they went to get lunch.

As Shepard walked up to a restaurant, Garrus couldn't help but feel out of place amongst so many humans. They sat down at a table and waited for the waiter. "Awkward," Garrus noted. "What, it's just a lunch between friends," Shepard said. "I know but it's just so, _awkward_." Shepard regarded him curiously but didn't say anything. The waiter approached them. "What can I get cha?" he asked. "I'll get the bacon-double-cheese-burger (Yuuuuuuum [:.)," Shepard said. "What about you, Garrus?" "Umm…" Garrus said as he looked over the menu. _"I have no idea what any of this is!"_ "I'll haaaaaaaaave…" "He'll have what I'm having," Shepard cut in smoothly. "Yeah, that," Garrus said. "Smooth Garrus. Real smooth."

_**So, here's the chapter for ya! Tell me what you think of it, cuz you know how much I love your reviews. Oh and um, my birthday is coming up on the 25**__**th**__**,**__** so you reviews and stuff can be my present! :D**_


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